The Phenomenon
of Critical Gun Mass Revisited
Colonel Dan, SASS Life # 24025
A well deserved break from the inconsequential world
of politics is always warranted during the Christmas holidays— especially after
we’ve been forced to suffer through the media-generated period of never ending post
election analysis.
“Inconsequential” I say
because what I’m about to address totally eclipses the importance of politics
in every cowboy shooter’s life. This
research is particularly useful to our ever increasing number of new SASS
members and therefore deserves to be revisited now and again.
For those
new to SASS, what follows is an important executive summary of a study
generated after years of diligent, if not life-threatening, experimentation and
analysis of the phenomenon known as gun
buying action vs. spousal reaction—not always of the equal and opposite
kind we learned about in physics class.
Those fresh
to CAS will need this information as they travel the Cowboy Shooting Trail, accumulating
guns at tumultuous pace—just ask anyone who’s been at this great sport for more
than a day!
What is
the reaction of your spouse, hereinafter referred to as the party of the second
part, when you, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part, walk in
the door with that impossible to hide gun box—that long slim box of the rifle
class or the squatty box of the revolver class that you just can’t pass off as
a pair of new shoes. Over the years the
party of the second part has seen untold numbers of examples and can now spot
that all too familiar container even as the party of the first part pulls into
the driveway—they’ve developed a 6th and 7th sense about
all this dontcha know.
In the
early days of our marriage, the purchase of guns was a significant event. There was no question about it Miss Mary knew
when I came home with one. And since I
didn’t have all that many (yet) she could tell that gun I was handling was new
and not Army issue even if she didn’t see me walking in the house with it. The reaction always followed in that quiet way,
“Is that you new gun?” Miss Mary is like
that—her reaction is one of the proper Army wife; subtle yet albeit strongly
directed by an unmistakable attempt at guilt elicitation in the colonel.
I had to
endure this over the years until it seemed to reach a point of noticeable
diminishment. I wondered about this and
commenced the study in question.
My
research led me to discover the Law of
Critical
The law
is of a simple nature but very important to the conduct of life. I discovered that there comes a point when
the party of the first part has so many guns that the party of the second part
can no longer distinguish old from new and the party of the second part becomes
totally oblivious to the party of the first part’s new toy!!!!
In Miss
Mary’s case the all-important point of CGM was reached at about gun number
24. I am now way beyond that point and my life is so much simpler these
days. I have so many guns that she can’t
tell if the one I am fondling is something old, something new, something
borrowed or something re-blued! Slick
eh?
Life is now
great but I can’t tell you if CGM is different for Army wives as it is for
ladies from other walks of life—a point for further study and analysis.
The Law
of CGM differs in each household depending on the number of guns present when the
joining of the party of the first part with the party of the second part took
place. Further reaction is then
determined by the party of the second parts powers of observation and the level
of natural anxiety over guns and/or money and the level of gun disease present
at birth in the party of the second part.
If the
party of the second part is also infected with gun disease or at least has a high
tolerance for it, there is a direct and positive correlation in the reaction
level unless the factor of jealously is calculated.
If the
party of the second part wants just as many guns as the party of the first part
then anytime the party of the first part acquires a new toy, the party of the
second part reacts vehemently in the fear of being left behind regarding total
toy count and the natural instinct to catch up takes over, fueled by the libido
of the party of the second part.
I’m now going
to ask the honorable Professor Cubby Bear and his not-so-secret Laboratory
staff to see if we can’t come up with a formula that SBSS HQ could publish to
help others determine the level of CGM for their party of the second part. I’ll
then ask the Regimental Litigation Trickster, the estimable Johnny the Kid, to
draw up a contract useful for establishing binding consensual gun acquisition
procedures between the two parties in question if required by either party
being retroactively effective to their officially registered joining date.
Although reporting
on CGM may be unrelated to our study of Stealth Bullets and political
philosophy, let it be known the SBSS is eternally dedicated to serving those honorable
humans known as cowboy shooters in any way we can.
Just
another helpful service from SBSS HQ…Merry Christmas my friends!
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